Posts Tagged ‘comedy’

Social Network

Gosh! I really hate facebook! Did I just say that out loud?  You know, actually, I can say that because I have two facebook accounts. Yea, so I have the right by association. Kinda like Jared from subway calling a fat person…… well… fat! and then in a non-apologetic apologetic way follows it by saying “I was fat once”. And he is totally excused. So I reinstate. I really, really hate facebook!
I just don’t like social networks at all. To me they are *thinks hard* Exaggerated Social Realities. At least it’s true in my case. It’s really a constant reminder of how sucky your life is. Yes I said sucky. So you find yourself trying to come up with something cool that happened during your day. And in doing so you may…not saying that I did, but you may have accidentally bumped into your sister in the morning on the way to the bathroom, and post on facebook that, I don’t know, you got into a physical confrontation with  her. And you somehow pray that your own sister find you cool enough to check your postings so that you can start a meaningful argument on the net. And people would think cool things about you, like “ Oooh, they are so dysfunctional!”. You know stuff like that.
Twitter is the worse of them all. I also have two twitter accounts, just so you know. It’s just so much pressure. And it’s not even peer pressure. Just random people that you’ve never met pressure. But for some reason, on some random day, you  find yourself very constipated in the bathroom, and while you’re not sure whether or not you will make it out alive from this………….shit, you…umm…, you’re thinking really hard whether this is one of those events in your life you should tweet about!
End.

Recycled

Booom! Screams the gun. Thud! Says the body to the floor…

He scratched the back of his head, and internally freaked out. He found out that he was more relieved than afraid. The body on the floor jerked one last time. “That’s what you get for insulting me! Where’s your smart mouth now, huh? You thought I would ever forgive you?” He rejoiced in what he had just accomplished for two more seconds, then it hit him! The neighbor must have heard. That old lady saw them both come and she probably called the cops already. The gun was registered under his name, if there is a chance that the judge would find him innocent, the “streets” knew of their rivalry. He wouldn’t survive.

So he pointed the gun to his head and thought “ there’s no way I’m going to jail”. Then a crazy thought ran in his mind. He didn’t want his lifeless body to make him look like a bitch. He thought that if it laid there on the floor, he wouldn’t be any better than that loser over there. So his mind went on a little thinking trip. “If I lay down on my back on my bed, and wore a cool shirt and sunglasses, that would leave an impression, or if i sat down on my lazy boy chair and glued a cigar to my lips, that would bring a new meaning to going out with a bang! Or …” The wailing sirens shook him back to reality. He had to act quick.

He realized that it would take too long to find the Crazy Glue, so he went with the bed idea. He quickly changed to his favorite shirt, and found his glasses on his dresser. The banging on the door forced him to go over his plan one last time. He laid down on his squeaky bed and cycled through weird poses. The banging on the door got increasingly louder. He wasn’t sure whether he would put his legs close together or spread them to take up space. It was clear that the cops were now kicking the door. When they eventually walk in, they would find him dead, but in the most news worthy pose ever!  He had thought it all through. What he didn’t know, however, was that as soon as he shoots himself, both of the legs on the left side of the bed will give out, forcing his lifeless body to roll down all the way to floor.

The cops barged into the apartment…

Booom! Screams the gun. Thud! Says the body to the floor…